toast haiku

Sea Monster Attack Litigation

drtoast — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 01:40:47 +0000

At the Law Offices of Lynch & Reynolds, we specialize in representing the victims of personal injury resulting from sea monster attack. At a recent symposium for sea monster experts in San Francisco, we handed out a questionnaire to potential clients. We present here the data we gathered, as well as the harrowing tales of nautical woe from the victims themselves.

Clearly the Caspian sea, with 24% of all attacks, is the most sea-monster-saturated of all the seven seas, followed by the Mediterranean and Adriatic. 15% of victims appear to have been sufficiently disoriented by their traumatic experiences that they can’t even remember which sea they were in at the time. The Persian Gulf appears by far to be the safest of all the seas with regard to the risk of sea monster attack.

Sea-monster-attack victims are a salty lot, judging by the fact that 67% of them had been at sea more than 90 months before being attacked.

And these sailors appear to have brought plenty of Sunny-D with them, as scurvy rates were quite low.

Over 40% of attacking sea monsters have more than 15 tentacles. From this we can conclude that they are really, really scary. This undoubtedly contributes to the undue mental anguish our clients endure.

And here we present the collected stories of the surveyed victims.

Mary Prankster: “Having been contracted to kill an infestation of sea monsters in the Caspian, I was attacked and severely tentacled.”

Captain Smarmy: “I done been sailin’ da sea when all of a sudden dis creature came outta nowheres and attacked me ship. We grabbed all our pokin’ sticks and poked that monster back into da sea!”

Mermaid Raven An: “I was sunning my bare breasts on a warm, smooth stone. A wry tentacle snaked up and whipped my mer-buns. Who knows what will happen next time?”

Captain T.J. Honker: “While pillaging Her Majesty’s fine goods, I and me crew was unprovokedly tentacled, and we lost some o’ our booty! And also, I lost me arm, but I got three o’ his!”

Ambulanceboat Chaser: “It all happened so fast! I am very traumatized. No, these bite marks are not sharpied.”

Francisco “My Mother Was Eaten By A Sea Monster” De La Torre: “A chill in the air like death descended upon us. “Tis sea monster weather,” said Mother.

Brendan O’Sullivan: “I was walking on a jogging path, having disembarked from a treacherous journey across the Arabian Sea in a rather large fishing vessel when a spiteful kraken, who’d followed us across the sea but was unable to attack due to the vessel’s size, lurched from the water to snarch my baby Elliot from my clutches.”

X: “It was just after dawn. There were sea monsters in the valley. ‘Nuff said.”

Olga Nunes: “She was a beautiful monster who took my heart.”

Bobby Digital: “Difficult to remember.”

Narg Opolis: “Bastard picked me up by the face with a slimy tentacle and popped my left eye right out :(“

Elizabeth Merstrom: “Peaceful trans-Red Sea migration interrupted by attack, coordinated by three creatures with intent to capture (and kill?), narrow escape, loss of five scales on right hip.”

Gentle Oak: “We were just enjoying a delightful Sunday afternoon on the boat when a dreadful tentacle appeared over the starboard bow. I can’t even go on…”

John Ballantyne: “Surfing and then ZOMG SEA MONSTER. Luckily caught a fat tube that took me to safety but my board was ruined. Seeking damages to property and mental suffering.”

Sour Scrat: “Awkward.”

The Eigenharp

drtoast — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 21:03:31 +0000

The Eigenharp is a new electronic performance instrument designed to maximize expressive control of modern virtual software instruments. It has 120 keys arranged in a 5×24 grid, each of which can register 2048 levels of pressure in 3 dimensions. This means you could play a chord with your left hand, and use each finger to simultaneously alter the pitch, volume, and expression of each note of the chord (or any other parameters of your choice). That leaves your other hand free to play a drum rhythm on the 12 additional percussion keys, or to use another part of the keyboard as a programmable looping pattern sequencer. There’s also a mouthpiece for breath control, two ribbon expression controllers on the sides, LED indicators on each key, etc. Check out the video of the product launch at Sonic State, or learn more at Eigenlabs‘ website.

In Bb

drtoast — Sat, 23 May 2009 20:47:47 +0000

In the YouTube mash-up spirit of Kutiman, a project called In Bb presents you with a grid of unrelated YouTube videos that all happen to be in the key of B-flat. There is no percussion or meter, so things will always blend together smoothly no matter when you start or stop each video. Try to resist the urge to play them all at once – turn on a couple at a time, then add new ones as time goes on. The effect is incredibly beautiful.

Dashuhua

drtoast — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 12:18:29 +0000

Farmers in Nuanquan, China, too poor to afford fireworks to celebrate the new year, instead melt down scrap metal and hurl it against a wall, creating a brilliant spray of sparks and molten iron. Their only protection is a sheepskin coat and a hat. [video]

Lighter in a Blender

drtoast — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 10:05:14 +0000

There’s a new show on the Discovery Channel called “Time Warp” – it features extreme slow-motion footage of events that happen very fast, such as what happens when you put a lighter in a blender:

Pierre Bastien

drtoast — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 21:20:59 +0000

French composer Pierre Bastien builds small mechanical musical devices, which click and whirr and play somber melodies on keyboards as he follows along on his muted trumpet, occasionally reaching over to adjust a lever or attach a new part. It’s an intimate and introspective affair.

Dmitry Maksimov

drtoast — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 21:10:47 +0000

Dmitry Maksimov works in a variety of styles and media, but I’m most fascinated by his photo illustrations that show small characters going about their mysterious business in realistic settings with narrow depth-of-field. It’s a fleeting glimpse into a cute and spooky world. Visit the artist’s site (it’s in Russian, but just scroll down for the images).

I Met The Walrus

drtoast — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 20:55:27 +0000

“In 1969, a 14-year-old Beatle fanatic named Jerry Levitan, armed with a reel-to-reel tape deck, snuck into John Lennon’s hotel room in Toronto and convinced John to do an interview about peace. 38 years later, Jerry has produced a film about it. Using the original interview recording as the soundtrack, director Josh Raskin has woven a visual narrative which tenderly romances Lennon’s every word in a cascading flood of multipronged animation. Raskin marries the terrifyingly genius pen work of James Braithwaite with masterful digital illustration by Alex Kurina, resulting in a spell-binding vessel for Lennon’s boundless wit, and timeless message.” Watch on YouTube

Robotic Jellyfish

drtoast — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 22:59:56 +0000

Researchers at automation technology company Festo have developed what just might be the Best Robot Ever. They’ve made a version that swims in the air using helium and lightweight tentacles, as well as one that swims underwater. Totally mesmerizing – check out the video!

Lake Baikal

drtoast — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 20:42:21 +0000

Best. Lake. Ever. Lake Baikal, in southern Siberia in Russia, contains over 20% of the world’s fresh water and is home to over 1700 species of plants and animals, of which two thirds are found nowhere else. Although less than half the surface area of Lake Superior, it’s over a mile deep, comprised of an ancient rift valley where the Earth’s crust is pulling apart at two centimeters per year. As the rift has expanded over the millenia, it has filled in with a layer of sediment that is now four miles deep.

Due to its extreme age (25-30 million years) and isolation from other bodies of water, Lake Baikal has developed many unique species that are unlike any found elsewhere, and is therefore often called the “Galapagos of Russia”. The lake is home to a species of freshwater seal, as well as the translucent Baikal oil fish, known for liquefying into a slurry of oil and bones when dredged up from the extreme pressures at the depths of the lake.