toast haiku » Humor

Sea Monster Attack Litigation

drtoast — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 01:40:47 +0000

At the Law Offices of Lynch & Reynolds, we specialize in representing the victims of personal injury resulting from sea monster attack. At a recent symposium for sea monster experts in San Francisco, we handed out a questionnaire to potential clients. We present here the data we gathered, as well as the harrowing tales of nautical woe from the victims themselves.

Clearly the Caspian sea, with 24% of all attacks, is the most sea-monster-saturated of all the seven seas, followed by the Mediterranean and Adriatic. 15% of victims appear to have been sufficiently disoriented by their traumatic experiences that they can’t even remember which sea they were in at the time. The Persian Gulf appears by far to be the safest of all the seas with regard to the risk of sea monster attack.

Sea-monster-attack victims are a salty lot, judging by the fact that 67% of them had been at sea more than 90 months before being attacked.

And these sailors appear to have brought plenty of Sunny-D with them, as scurvy rates were quite low.

Over 40% of attacking sea monsters have more than 15 tentacles. From this we can conclude that they are really, really scary. This undoubtedly contributes to the undue mental anguish our clients endure.

And here we present the collected stories of the surveyed victims.

Mary Prankster: “Having been contracted to kill an infestation of sea monsters in the Caspian, I was attacked and severely tentacled.”

Captain Smarmy: “I done been sailin’ da sea when all of a sudden dis creature came outta nowheres and attacked me ship. We grabbed all our pokin’ sticks and poked that monster back into da sea!”

Mermaid Raven An: “I was sunning my bare breasts on a warm, smooth stone. A wry tentacle snaked up and whipped my mer-buns. Who knows what will happen next time?”

Captain T.J. Honker: “While pillaging Her Majesty’s fine goods, I and me crew was unprovokedly tentacled, and we lost some o’ our booty! And also, I lost me arm, but I got three o’ his!”

Ambulanceboat Chaser: “It all happened so fast! I am very traumatized. No, these bite marks are not sharpied.”

Francisco “My Mother Was Eaten By A Sea Monster” De La Torre: “A chill in the air like death descended upon us. “Tis sea monster weather,” said Mother.

Brendan O’Sullivan: “I was walking on a jogging path, having disembarked from a treacherous journey across the Arabian Sea in a rather large fishing vessel when a spiteful kraken, who’d followed us across the sea but was unable to attack due to the vessel’s size, lurched from the water to snarch my baby Elliot from my clutches.”

X: “It was just after dawn. There were sea monsters in the valley. ‘Nuff said.”

Olga Nunes: “She was a beautiful monster who took my heart.”

Bobby Digital: “Difficult to remember.”

Narg Opolis: “Bastard picked me up by the face with a slimy tentacle and popped my left eye right out :(“

Elizabeth Merstrom: “Peaceful trans-Red Sea migration interrupted by attack, coordinated by three creatures with intent to capture (and kill?), narrow escape, loss of five scales on right hip.”

Gentle Oak: “We were just enjoying a delightful Sunday afternoon on the boat when a dreadful tentacle appeared over the starboard bow. I can’t even go on…”

John Ballantyne: “Surfing and then ZOMG SEA MONSTER. Luckily caught a fat tube that took me to safety but my board was ruined. Seeking damages to property and mental suffering.”

Sour Scrat: “Awkward.”

The Most Unwanted Song

drtoast — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 20:17:42 +0000

In the late 1990s, artists Vitaly Komar and Alex Melamid, along with composer David Soldier, polled 500 music listeners to determine the least desirable musical qualities. They compiled their data and then composed a piece of music that incorporated as many of these qualities as possible, titling the final product “The Most Unwanted Song”. The folks polled apparently don’t like rap music, sopranos, or songs about cowboys, so their song prominently features a soprano rapping about cowboys. Other features include tubas, banjos, accordions, sudden changes in dynamics and tempo, children’s choirs singing about holidays (Labor Day, Ramadan) and corporations (Wal Mart, Coca Cola), and an uncomfortable length of 25 minutes.

The end result, in my opinion, is catchy and fascinating – much more than the sum of its unwanted parts. If you’ve ever enjoyed Mr. Bungle, I think you’ll love this song. You can stream it from the Wired article, or download the MP3.

Bruce Dickinson is Awesome

drtoast — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 16:39:07 +0000

So Bruce is the lead singer for this heavy metal band called Iron Maiden, which was pretty big in the 80′s but is still rocking out today. As if being the lead singer for Iron Maiden wasn’t awesome enough, Bruce was also really into fencing and competed internationally, and started his own fencing equipment company. And as if being the lead singer of Iron Maiden and being a top international fencer wasn’t awesome enough, Bruce also decided to become an airline pilot and now flies Boeing 757 jets for a UK charter airline. Then, in a final coup de awesome, he had a 757 painted with the Iron Maiden logo, climbed into the pilot’s seat, and flew his band on their world tour. Bruce Dickinson, you’re awesome.

Frozen Grand Central

drtoast — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 22:41:29 +0000

This is just too cool for words. One winter day in New York City, 207 people casually wandered into Grand Central Station. At exactly 2:30 pm, they all froze in place like statues, confusing the many bystanders and official-looking people around them. Exactly 5 minutes later, they all continued on with their business as if nothing had happened.

The performance was organized by a group called Improv Everywhere, which has pulled off many such stunts over the past several years. The photos, obviously, don’t do it justice – so be sure to watch the video to get the full effect.

Dan Liebert’s Pet Peeves

drtoast — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 08:23:58 +0000

Itchy labels on bungee ankle straps so I itch the whole way down
People on fire—they’re always asking for favors, even if they hardly know you
When my opera cape gets caught on homeless people’s junk
When a woman stands near me and people think her ugly baby is mine and it is
See the rest at McSweeney’s.